I was recently asked on a podcast about motherhood and how I’ve learned to adapt, more or less, to who I need to be today. Here are three major shifts I’ve noticed in myself since becoming a mother.
The emphasis on a loose schedule
Now that I have an energetic, fearless toddler who needs a constant watchful eye, I don’t need to tell anyone who’s met a toddler that it is exhausting, to say the least. It can sometimes lead to making me feel defeated on days when I don’t follow a certain schedule or routine. Even certain rituals that I perform for myself or that we do together can make a huge difference. For example, closing the door when I go to use the bathroom can be a radical act of self care just to have a quiet moment to breathe. Side note - given the rising number of chronic pelvic floor disorders, everyone should breathe more deeply while using the toilet. I digress. As far as shared rituals, Gianni loves to snuggle on my lap after a meal, and when either of us is feeling moody or whiny, we put on one of the playlists I created and have a living room dance party.
When I have a little structure each day, I am motivated and organized. My husband and I have a whiteboard in our kitchen where we can lovingly reference the household tasks that we strive to accomplish each day. It doesn’t always get done, but we know it’s there and have a shared ground on which to hold each other accountable. We even hold mini meetings during meals where we check in with each other on what we’d like to accomplish that day (key word: “like to”, not “have to”). We are usually able to decide which parts of the day we are able to wear each of our many hats, including the caregiver and will agree to take a long walk, drive, bath or other ultimate distraction activity with the little monster to allow our partner to focus. It means that the time we spend with our son has no blurred lines as far as the role we play and we can be fully present for him. Luckily, we both have the flexibility to work from home. Pandemic silver lining, I suppose! Focused work allows for focused fun.
Having a set morning routine also unlocks a certain amount of freedom for the rest of the day to be more fluid. Without fail, after breakfast, we venture out for a walk to our neighbourhood park and surrounding paths. Not only do we continue the process of waking up by moving our bodies and seeing the sun come up, but we also gift ourselves the presence of fellow creatures of habit - the neighbourhood dogs and their owners. We now are accountable to our local community to stick to a routine or they might start to worry.
Many books have been written about the brain, and specifically the attentional system, including one of my favourites, The Organized Mind by Daniel Levitin, which discusses the fact that the brain can only hold so much information at a time. Yet, in today’s world, we have unlimited access to information. It takes more and more energy for the brain to prioritize and re-prioritize information every second of the day. So the more predictable events or constants we can maintain, the more simplified and less overwhelming our daily decision making becomes. In other words, if we reduce these micro-stressors in our daily lives, we stand a better chance at reducing overall chronic stress, tension and dis-ease. Ayurveda is all about following a routine to help you function at your optimal level of wellbeing. This topic deserves its own post so we’ll revisit this again in more detail later. Let’s move on to the other two shifts worth noting.
A beginner’s mindset
Being a new mother has helped me slow down my processes and put less pressure on myself to do everything right. Reminding myself that I’ve never done this before can be a blessing. Whereas, it’s harder for me to remind myself of this when I’m faced with a challenge at work where I’ve had over a decade of experience.
When I feel inadequate, I try to remind myself that all people have these feelings, and especially moms. All the research and methods and comparisons that present themselves anew every week don’t help with this type of stress either! I try to understand these feelings with curiosity and acceptance (as if I were treating myself like the child I am raising who is learning to feed themselves and put themselves to sleep) rather than rejection or self judgment.
Be conscious of communications
If we all stood back and took a look at all the time spent and different mediums of communication we use on a daily basis to consume and share information, I have no doubt we would decide to go on a retreat immediately (anyone else enjoy their alone time as much as I do?). What’s really important about this is understanding how these communications support or take away from our relationships, including the one with yourself. If I’m mindlessly scrolling my feed, I am giving up precious mental energy that could be spent observing my son learning a new word or truly listening while a loved one shares their concerns with me. Guided by the question, “do I really need to be multi-tasking right now?”, I hope we can all choose to be a little more mindful in how we interact with media.
Overall, I have adapted to being more aware of where my energy goes, because there is so little left for myself at the end of the day. So the more I can do small things throughout the day to support balance and wellbeing, the better I can show up and be present for my family. Getting up just 30 mins earlier than Gianni allows me to do my grounding stretches, intention setting meditation and put on fresh clothes so I feel like more of a human and less like a hot mess chasing around an energizer bunny. Knowing what actions or small self care tools I can reach for in my toolbelt at a given moment in the day when I find myself sliding into unbalanced pitta mode (another Ayurveda reference - stay tuned for a more in-depth breakdown) - irritable, impatient - that move me closer to balance.